Around this time last year I was recovering from a surgery that I had postponed (Really, I didn't want to have it done!) and all around resting... like I am now. I am very proud of myself for completing my listening art "Insatiable". As noticed, I keep my hands full in many things aesthetically pleasing. I'm still painting, dancing, writing and singing. I haven't showed anything else yet except for my album. What's next? I've been getting signals for more paintings. Either way I'll continually do all of my crafts.
I've been more vocal about my needs in life, not just in business but with every interaction I've had. I don't want to blame it on getting older, age can be a shameful indication of lack of maturity. But a form of self awareness to the extent of overall, constantly putting myself first. This lesson deepens down the rabbit hole. Constantly giving to the point where I have nothing; ’til I am unable to receive again. Where I am having to sacrifice my time, my words and presence. I debate with myself if it's every worth it, but when I go against my own signals for another then, unfortunately I have to honor those gut feelings.
It's so easy for me to become vexed out around someone that I shouldn't be. I had been more intense over the past 2 years, I thought it was because of the acid tab I took 3 years ago on my birthday (which was super awesome!), but I paid attention to when I felt like I had to flee from someone else. I recall in previous years of smelling a stinch when someone was giving me bad eye mojo, a smell not comparable to sulphur, but strong none the less. I also remember hearing a growling deep in my soul; a call to pay more attention to my surroundings. As unusual as my signs are, they work well for me.
I had to learn this very hard lesson of letting people go; from sexual energetic chords to emotional and intellectual bonds. It's a reoccurring, never ending lesson that I will say for now, because I interact with people. Once again I mention in as a self care of being around to retreat to a place that is safe for me and untampered with many others; and that place for me is my home; oh, how I love it dearly! I am able to purge myself and feel secluded from the rest of the world. Once enough strength is gathered, off into the world I go. I must be very cautious of what and who comes to my dwelling safe. It's important to build a trust, because I see my home as a temple, an outside place for my body. My body holds my soul, which is its home. I must take care of them both.
This Autumn equinox I have also been reminded that good qualities of people. Strangers that are genuinely wanting to help and see not only me, but humanity prosper. There is still trust between each other and that surviving or thriving in the world cannot be done alone; that is an illusion that oneself sees from the lack of companionship. In my personal space, yes, I am alone. But in the greater surroundings I have someone that I can talk to. I am enjoying this autumn season because I am not only accumulating my old skins and possessions, but I am also purging old feelings towards unpleasant emotions.
Dealing with any traumatic situation cannot be buried for long; cannot be pushed into a box in the corner of our minds and forgotten about. there will be a moment when nostalgia arrives and one may want to smell the fragrance of their former lover, relative or closer friend. One may stumble across a favorite shirt that lead to pain that created a false defense of irony that still hasn’t been destroyed in the present. Hurting old wounds whether physical, emotional or spiritual isn’t easy, nor is telling one self they aren’t there. Traumas on top of traumas. The little things that each of us can say “doesn’t matter”. It’s still there, in the box - waiting to be rediscovered again. Are you going to continue hating you found it, hate the wrong you’ve done/done to you or…?
This Autumn equinox reminds me of the animal dog, which I recently encountered. The dog didn’t have any sense of personal boundaries, which was quite unpleasant. The dog was an energetic puppy, but in the dream world; dogs can represent many things. I specially recall in dreams that is a black dog is being inappropriate towards, someone is going to betray you (In a vague definition). But this wasn’t a dream; that day was a living nightmare for many of sensitive mental areas. The dog wasn’t black although it was indeed uncomfortable to be around. Imagine a stranger dog forcing affection from you. Hyper puppy or not, it can be unsettling.
Autumn meditation is for animals:
Dog- Positive: They are loyal friends, trust worthy to those they protect. Negative: Prone to assumptions and controlling.
Deer- Positive: Gentle, graceful Negative: When in shock, they become extremely vulnerable; naive.
Fish- Positive: Adaptable, flexibility in change. Negative: dependency.
Garments: Getting rid of old clothes that no longer serves our higher good. Knowing what the brands being bought stands is becoming more important across the consciousness of the world.
Nourishment: People are paying closer attention to what’s in their food when making purchases at the grocery stores. Subtle allergic reactions are possible (maybe you or someone you know aren’t plagued with acne forever!).
I have come to the conclusion that passive aggressors are more annoying than I let on. This is not a rant, but personal experience. How can I talk to someone who is aware of who I am in the sense of being a courtesan and a vocalist that exploits their ignorance around me out loud in a non-discreet environment? How can I start new friendships when someone is interested in my professions yet hesitant to communicate effectively to me; yet hasn’t an issue discussion me with someone else?
I leave people with information they can handle, which isn’t very much. Someone people that I’d welcome into my inner world has proven themselves untrustworthy, manipulative and treacherous. I am told to wait my turn on social media while the crowd gives my efforts to someone else (I’ll keep my emotions to myself). It’s suppose to be a form of punishment of stepping on their toes; social media is a visible projection of human interactions and very much real though not as tangible. To be accepted, praised and acknowledged for ones efforts is very much real though not as tangible. I am here; not so patient after all; so are you.
- Eden Marquis, The High Priestess