The connection between sexuality & morality is a result of social stigmas placed upon the fall of matriarchy (spirituality) and the rise of patriarchy (religion). Concepts of purity drenched in the hoax of virginity (which means a young woman without a child.)* We were conditioned early in life that our reputations required deep consideration before each action; and our sexual intimacy was meant to be cherished to the point of non-existence.
In the Western World, we are overtly sexual with the emphasisof being exploited yet with the gathered acceptance of intimacy between fewer people in private. On an Astrological view, North America is ruled by the constellation of Gemini -the twins/the lovers; known for its unity of self & union of both sexes as partners exploring, communicating & discovering through people interactions. With that input, we are a society full of curiosity yet parroted judgment.
Gazing at the reflection of myself, unable to lie about what I like most.. The uncut image. Since beginning sex work a promise I made to myself was to always be able to look in a mirror. When I start my first client, I was nervous, high from adrenaline. I didn't have to do much seducing, he already wanted me & I wanted the experience. After the encounter, I rushed to the mirror if I looked the same 'cause I felt transformed. As if an area of my femininity was unlocked and I then understood the power of Mother Earth, my yoni & the concept of purity was then thrown down the toilet. I quickly acknowledged Inanna** & thanked her. I wept. Contemplating where I stood with my ideologies...
I questioned myself.
"You can't do this your whole life?"
Yes, I can! there are many avenues to sex work I'm willig to explore.
"You have no morals."
Yes, I do. I still have a choice who I see.
"It's dangerous. You could possibly get hurt."
There should be security measures in any people related business.
Once debunking my own enigma, I clothes myself in new garments. Not of the body. but of the connotation that what I once used to my advantage no longer held weight of circumstance. Without facing myself I would begin the process of denial in which forcing myself to continue the assumption that self respect came from prudent behavior or how I treated my heart for outside acceptance. To become self conscious so I won't be labelled permanently as one of them with the scarlet letter - taking into consideration that to be one of them doesn't always require one to be a sex worker or sexually active. Existence was enough.
Instead of blaming my environment, I dissected my own perception of self. It's not about the world cheering in my pleasure but to whisper my name in the darkest hour without surrendering to my own inner fear. The fear of self. The fear of losing control of my sanity & the brink of a new beginning. From that moment I recognized how I was in control of my life and to utilize whichever tools I received along the way.
How to Continue to Love Myself
- Doing things I enjoy
Relaxing meditative activities are best suited to regenerate my energy.
- Eliminating harmful pep talks
Water goes further than fire.
Not every statement is meant for a response nor will I wrestle what works best for someone else.
-Eden Marquis, The High Priestess